I’m terrified

I’m pregnant. 9ish weeks. It’s all I think about.

At first, I was excited. Happy.

Then I became numb to the idea. It didn’t seem real.

Today I find myself engulfed in a wave of emotion I can’t seem to shake. I feel like I’ve been gifted a duty that I am not capable of handling. I’m scared. I’m afraid that I won’t be a great mother. I want my child to know that I want to give him/her the world and yet I feel that I never will be able to. I don’t know why I’ve convinced myself today that I won’t measure up. At the ripe age of 32 I feel like I should know so much more about the journey my husband and I are about to embark. I don’t feel like a woman. I feel like I will fail. I’ve never successfully changed a diaper.  I don’t know what time I’m supposed to feed. How often…how should I bathe the kid? I don’t know. Will my husband help me? Will we fight about it?  Will my child favor others over me?

This is huge. This is bigger than school…career…I’m going to be more than a sister, daughter, aunt or wife. It’s a role we speak of all of our lives…and now it’s here.

I’m terrified.

What now?

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One comment

  1. Commenting as myself…hundreds maybe thousands of diapers later. I’m a great mother and my daughter will be 3 years old in October. Oh my.

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